An ensemble of some of the worst in music video making.

Monday, June 1, 2009

JONTE, Bitch You Betta!

Feast your eyes on the Technicolor clusterfuck that is JONTE's video for up and coming club smash "Bitch You Betta".

If your occipital lobes can process the neon Magic Eye backdrop, madcap undulations, and spandex blitzkrieg, stick around. Around 1:45, levitating cats materialize from her pelvis.

This is the best thing you have ever seen.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Dale, Maraca!

I'm coloring outside the lines for this one. It's not an official music video but it SHOULD be.

Did she stand in front of those curtains to look theatrical? I hope so- adds extra pizazz.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Sash! "Ecuador"

First off, I am not sure this counts as an actual song. It is bad techno with someone screaming “Ecudaor” in a voice-over.

That said this is bad video gold.

From what I can gather, the members of Sash! (the exclamation point is theirs) embarked upon a journey to the magical land of “Ecuador!” (the exclamation point is mine) where a lady in leather pants who carries around one of those decorative glass balls you buy in Venice leads them to the desert where contestants on Ecuador’s Next Top Model were in the middle of a photo shoot challenge entitled “be the bald eagle.”


OK. We are all adults here in the internet. And we all agree that hate speech (making fun of people if they perceive it to be based on their religion or whatever) is not okay. Okay? That is one of the basic tenets that the internet was founded on.
These people are either asking to be ridiculed very hard or they are a front for Satan's mocking hate-speeching of Baby Jesus. Naming your band "Sonseed" is one thing. But interrupting a perfectly good Bible practice in the church basement to do something this obviously satanic on local television is quite another. At least they invited Mexicans and women and elderlies along for the hell-ride through possessed hymning. That is how Jesus would have wanted it.


I don't know about you guys, but when I think of communism and the Cold War I always picture those pinkos wearing silk solid-colored jumpsuits and having a fucking dance-off. Thanks Dschingis Khan for confirming what I always knew was true!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Mr. President "Coco Jamboo"

Ok guys, confession time: I owned every single outfit that blond girl has on circa 1996. High-waisted light-denim short shorts with cropped tank? Check. Tank dress with tattoo motif? Hell yeah. And if I hadn't been ten at the time, I'm pretty sure I would have had that yellow bra and green pleather skirt ensemble too.

But mostly, it’s the other girl I feel sorry for. I feel like she was just Mr. President’s female companion (or as he so suavely puts it , one of “them girls" ) and he was like “Hey baby, want to be in my video? It’s gonna be dope” ('cause that’s what people said in 1996) and she was like, “Ok, but don’t make me look stupid Mr. President” but he was already busy wrangling the fire-breathers on stilts and putting on his tribal face paint so he didn’t catch that last part. I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what happened.

Study these dance moves, "I Wanna Love You Tender"

I'm not sure when White people have ever been SO White.

A wholesome, WASPy, terribly choreographed adventure in outer space.

I don't know if his shirt is cut low enough, I'm only seeing about one foot of chest hair. And as for that skirt, aren't we getting a little short there, hussy? I'm gonna get the ruler out!

My name is Morgan

Allo, my name is Morgan et I uh, just wanted to post this vidio of me and my frends. We like to dance near touristic buildings, go to beach, and most of all exersize.

We also like ladies so if you like our vidio, pleaze contact me. I am in facebook. My friend Franshesko is also looking for lady luv.

I will see you in my dreamz.


Saturday, April 25, 2009

david banner

i could be one of david banner's bitches if i simply acquired

1) the perfect boob job
2) green half-pound hand weights with velcro straps
3) bad hair extensions

and participated in the following activities
1) synchronized running with two friends in large earrings on perfectly aligned treadmills
2) boxing in my underwear
3) getting head from men with gangly beards who like to help me stretch

i think if i did this, life would be even more fantastic!!


1. I didn't have multiple personalities before Tunak Tunak, but I do now.
2. I also control earth, wind, fire, and water.
3. I have a hankering for a new satin robe.
4. I will so dance this dance at my wedding. Fact.

The crusade begins, "Shine On Me"

This video is a little too good to be true.

Call it a mess of period reconstitution. Is this dude in Renaissance times? In the Matrix? In a fantasy land under a witch's spell? In a carriage in 18th century European somewhere?

All I can get from the story line is a some sort of a love story and that this adventure starts and ends with a ship sailing. And at one point in the video, three hot witches sink it. He also might have died?

Someone must have proposed the following list: Glowing orbs, fire-breathing dragons, fights in ice-castles, sexy witches, multiple explosions, ballroom dancing, promenades through forests on horses, and fan blowing of Mr. Owen's hair. And someone else actually said, "YES! That captures the song, "Shine On Me" perfectly!"

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Five Ways to Say NO (if you're Bollywood)

Dear Bollywood of the olden days:

Just say NO.

NO to the temptation to re-make classic pop video sequences and upping the cheesy factor 5,000 percent.

NO to changing the lyrics of "I wanna hold your hand" to "We meet because of destiny."

NO to seizure-like Beatles' head bobbing.

NO to plastic red pants if you are a chubby older dude and not an 80's Micheal Jackson.

NO, in a similar vein, to expecting us to believe you scare your girlfriend in such a state.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Loco for fan-twirling

I must admit: I love this song. And I kind of love the video.

God love Locomia- they're as close as Spain will come to the Village People. I'll even go as far to say they are better; shit, the Village People never combined new wave AND tropical music. AND the VP never had girls completely swooning over them like these chicos did.

But the matador pants and fans are just overkill in this vid. And the baritone voice coming out of that dude rockin' the widow's peak hairdo gets me every time.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The way we were, "Apache"

Oh man, those were the days. The 1970's: incredibly cheesy choreography, inappropriate Native American references by white dudes, and weird deep talking/cackling over disco beats.

Lucky for us, Tommy Seebach combines all three in his video for "Apache."

Like those dancing ladies, we just can't seem to keep our eyes off him. Must be something about that alarming grin he's giving the camera.

A star is born, "It's So Cold in the D"

This video has "I made this on my dad's computer after school" written all over it.

It's hard to say what's worst about it. The completely expressionless singer? The out of tune lyrics? The persistent zooming in and out of every frame? The exploitation of every rap video cliché possible? - They even pour some drinks on the ground of a cemetery. These high school students were clearly avid rap video watchers before they decided to make their foray into the genre.

Maybe what's worst is that, despite its abundance of faults, a week after viewing this gem, my friend and I found ourselves singing "It's so cold in the D" and debating on what she says next. "How the fuck we supposta keep peace?" Maybe that's it.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Delfin Quishpe - Torres Gemelas

Oh, dear. Is it the bad acting? The lips so out-of-sync with the singing? The word DELFIN stitched down the pant legs? Kind of.

But it's nothing in comparison to the sheer inappropriateness of this tecnofolklore track matching this footage. Not to mention the fact that he fabricates some love story out of it. Are we supposed to believe that this guy dated an investment banker?

And what is going on in those last shots of a grassy field and some random demonstration in Ecuador? Guess they were thrown in there to kind of "clear the palette" after watching the same building blow up a hundred times and thinking to myself "Dear LORD, why am I still laughing... AYUDAMEEEEeeeee.."